CRap of the future

I usually try to keep my thoughts on modern music to myself but I am a bit overwhelmed at this point in time with the latest garbage album ive heard. But first a little back story, explaining why I decided to track it down.

In short, Black people. Yes, I said it, Black people. They are the masters of making things look fucking cool. Timbaland Boots, Shirts that are far too long for their torso’s, and now Soulja Boy. For those of you who haven’t already seen this dance you are in for a treat. He has a video on youtube showing how to do it.

Yea mother fucker It’s that simple to look cool. A couple steps, slap your boot, and then you can be cool like a 16 year old. Now, that said, i want to admit… Black people have made this the most amazing thing. Watching 12 people doing it in unison makes me remember the days when I was a budding break dancer, learning the worm and watching folks doing 1990’s in unison. Despite my delusions of being Usher, I was sure glad I didn’t look like an asshole when I folded myself in half learning the dolphin, or nearly broke my back trying to do flares.

Alright, so I think its important that we recognize that the world is changing. As Chris Rock has said, its getting very hard to justify liking rap music. I don’t think that its hard to justify liking rap music so much as its hard to keep assholes from labeling their music rap music, even when they aren’t much beyond shit. Highlights in this category include 50Cent and his dumb ass bullshit about getting shot and being a thug, and the hot boys rapping about selling drugs and being able to rent nice cars for a video, and now include Soulja Boy – a sixteen year old pimp talkin about wishing for D’s on his report card and “cranking it.” What is “it”? I don’t know, and I really don’t care to know.

Why the fuck is it that this shit has become so proliferated in our world of music and cool shit? Because we are only able to listen to Dear momma about 12 times before we get bored. Its time to accept that the world is full of B and C students, and that everyone cannot be 2Pac or Rakim, but its also a good idea to keep these assholes out of the situation entirely.
I propose a test, in order to help categorize this new genre of music, and ill pose it in the form of a few Jeff Foxworthy jokes.

  • If you say your own name more than 30 times in your own 50 minute album, you might be an asshole.
  • If you make reference to yourself being a shot more than once and you didn’t take that as a reason to stop what you were doing previously, you might be an asshole.
  • If you are ushering in the latest dance and aren’t saying anything with any meaning, you might be an asshole.
  • If you call your music rap just because you wrote some shit that rhymes that kinda coincides with a beat your cousin made up one night while you were high, you might be an asshole.
  • If you’re sixteen and think you are a pimp, you are an asshole.

Im not saying that they don’t deserve to exist, just that their music sucks and needs to stop being grouped together with Run DMC, Rakim, Eminem, Will Smith, CunninLynguists, 2Pac, and so forth just because it has the same sampled beat, and ignoring the fact that it has no message. And yes, I do consider rap to require a message, so Fitty, you are out.