Three things I Hate about the Opposite Sex…

Here we go with three of the most aweful offenses a woman can make in my book.

1) Inadequate senses of humor.
Considering how often I hear that I’m a funny guy, I have come to appreciate most everything that can be funny, as can easily be evidenced by my web comic links along the side. I consider a sense of humor to be second only to godliness, and since godliness cannot be, humor takes priority. Most of my close friends are funny or at least appreciate humors merits to an extent that will usually leave some flushed. Our humor, while dotted with knock-knock jokes is primarily satire and sarcasm, which my English ancestors would probably appreciate. There are many, but not enough, women who find sarcasm interesting enough to stay in a conversation, but I will never forget a conversation I had in june…

Me: It’s really a good thing im not gay, I could have been really offended by your brother & cousin last night.
Her: Well, I knew you weren’t gay. You wouldn’t be here if you were.
Me: Well I guess im not gay, but I don’t know. Your brother is kinda hot, muscular and all. I’d spank him for a dollar.
Her, Leaving.

Now I realize timing and delivery are really everything, but would it make a difference if the above was said in a bed or over the phone or if we happened to be sitting on a couch in her living room watching Monty Python’s the meaning of life? I think not. Humor in awkward situations is far funnier than in comfortable ones. No I never boned this girl, I barely saw her at all, even in class. Unless she needed a shoulder to cry on about her shitty fucking douche of a(n) (ex)boyfriend.

I find the dark humor to be oddly enticing. There is something about making a perfectly healthy person go slack jawed in amazement that really makes my day. A great example of dark humor is the electric retard comic strip. Its fucking absurd and shows some of the most vile and disgusting things I have ever seen. The only way I can explain why I consider it funny is to compare it to when I was a child reading or watching adult humor.

2) Preoccupation with embarrassment
Being that I am a guy, and rather vain, I have no qualms with being embarrassed. Its bound to happen some time, and since I tend to stick my neck out in public situations, its probably going to be soon. I did it once, rather early in my life, fourth grade, pissed my pants in the computer lab during Oregon trail Friday. I was so caught up in hunting for birds and getting through the sierra Nevada mountains that I didn’t care. At first I was really caught up in the fact that I was being stared at, but in the fourth grade everyone does stupid shit. For fucks sake… I used to run around the grass outside my class pretending my best friend’s die-cast 747 wasn’t attached to my arm. Woosh, dooooompp.. skreeech. I used to make all of the sound effects that come along with piloting my very own United Airlines Flight.

An important event in my life, lead to me being numb to social embarrassment, and so I don’t realize it is happening in public. I say crazy shit, talk about anything and will go the distance with most anyone, unless I don’t like you. I have heard my version of English to be labeled “potty mouth” or “foul language” but the best yet is when I say something like – “Did everything come out alright?” when a woman returns from the rest room. Their beet red cheeks and grimace as they look around always makes me want to jump up and hug them. It’s really hilarious, you ought to try it some time. They don’t even have to be your girlfriend, and in some cases, It’s more fun when they aren’t.

3) Obsession with weight, and a paired laziness to do anything constructive about it.
This is something I find odd no matter the sex, but I find it exceptionally distasteful coming from a woman, because they are all either fishing for complements and know they are perfectly attractive, or they are suffering from some asshole in their past who ruined their self esteem.

Message to all dudes – If you are one of these assholes who ruins womens esteem and or talks shitty about them for whatever reason, I hope you rot in hell, assuming you believe it exists. If not, than I hope you are hit by a car and spend 19 months in intensive care and the rest of your life in a wheel chair. Douche bags. Quit treating women like shit and may actually find yourself enjoying yourself when out with them and not need to stare needlessly at others. If you don’t like the one you are with, than you two need to break up and see new people. You make it harder for folks like me to even be friendly.

I digress. I am going to ignore truly fat people and anorexic/bulimic people because I’ve never found them to be much fun to exercise with. This message goes out to the crazy women who are ~ 5’7″-5’10” and around 130 lbs. who you may also know as normal. Especially with the addition of school day in and day out it really isn’t very easy to keep your body super toned, but I assure you that you are not fat. This is coming from a 6’3″ 225 lbs. guy, who admittedly is of black decent. I like my ladies thick, because of some obvious shoe related stereotypes, but more than anything else, I find women who eat well to be the most sexy and attractive of all. In a way, the old adage “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” is bent for me to be “the way to a man’s heart is through your stomach.” Maybe its that I am just tired of the salad eating bitches, who go home and wolf down two quarts of chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream.

Now, that said, I think its important to exercise. Taking a walk for an hour or so four times a week is acceptable, but down to the store for a chimichanga isn’t. Lets be real folks. Chicks deserve our attention because they are more than objects, they are masterpieces; we should be thanking their parents for uniting for that encounter so many years ago and take them out to dinner instead. If I can find time to exercise and keep myself from being fat with my crazy Calorie intake than I surely expect a woman to be able to do the same. Taking care of yourself is a necessity in life, as it helps keep your appearance from becoming foreboding. In fact, I would like to say for the record that flaking a 4″ by 4″ chunk of dandruff like an old friend of mine did one day (his name is Evan) is just as disgusting as telling me you think you are fat. I don’t allow fat people around me, so there you go.

Aria Giovanni (Featured at the top), probably one of my favorite adult stars, is 5’6″ 123. If you don’t think she is attractive I invite you to shoot yourself in the face.