It is with great pleasure and pain that I bring you the next installment of three things I hate about the opposite sex. I invite those of you who are interested in the satirical and yet quite truthful journey through my views of the women of the world to please grab your pale and lightsabers and try to keep up!
The “Well my ex” syndrome
Quite possibly the most irritating thing to ever experience in life, being compared to a persons ex is a formula for disaster. As a human being I find it very difficult to avoid comparing people, especially ones that I am very close to, but let’s get real. No one likes to be compared to anyone of lower social status than they are, and regardless of your perspective, an ex boyfriend is certainly below the guy you are with.
It is with shocking frequency that things of this regard occur. It is uncaring and only goes to show that you are not over them yet. Every person is different, and ignoring this fact is a devastating issue. While I don’t think it’s impossible to block all comparisons between people of any status, rank or creed, it is very important to keep such craziness to a minimum if you intend for the new guy to stick around longer than an hour. When I am out with the boys, we often go back down memory lane and find that there were patterns. Some of us liked women with nice round butts or smooth soft skin, but there was never a point anyone admitted to telling a girl how her ass compared to the one before. The next time you are out with a guy hiking, walking around the street or at the bar, and the idea gnome makes an appearance suggesting you critique the way that you see him slouching in his chair or the way he speaks, the more supportive discressionary route is always going to be of higher benefit to everyone. Sure the two men may have that same glazed over look in their eyes when you are talking to them and you feel ignored, but did you ever care to think that it could be that you have been babbling for the past twenty minutes about how much better a toilet shot your ex was? I have a packaged response now, that sounds something like a can of spray paint. Pshhhhhh.
Inability to make decisions
This is something I have brought up a number of times, but it translates the same into many languages. Being an introvert does not get you anything you need in life. Choosing to roll over and just be a silent participant in sex, or when a man asks you what you want to do that evening and choosing to respond with something to the tune of “Eh, whatever you would like honey.” May as well be blasphemy. A small gauge in my forehead goes haywire when I hear, or don’t in some circumstances, such things; its frayed ends allowing anger to arc into things that used to be so much fun, like kayaking. Let’s level things off for a moment, honey. If you don’t have a direction you want to move in that’s fine, but don’t expect us to make every decision for you. We are more fearful of the next point ill bring up than anything else in the world.
It’s really amazing to me when I wake up in the morning next to a woman after a wild passionate night of sleep. It’s just a bit less of a reality because I like to roll over and snuggle for the rest of the morning and ask great questions like “where do you want to go for dinner tonight? I’m not moving, and thank Darwin for evoluting your hair into smelling so nice.” only to be instantly turned flaccid by the response of “eh, wherever you would like to go is fine with me.” Look bitch, I opened up that door for you to come through. If I intended to walk back out it than I would not have asked in the first place. I am clearly invested in your happiness and sometimes its small things like your decision of where to go that leads to another week where I wont be pissed off and go rob a bank and leave you to take care of the kid for my 15 year bid. I want to be clear here: Relationships cannot be had between one party. They are between multiple parties so the responsibilities behind its upkeep are shared. If I make the decisions that make our relationship go on then I expect the decision for me to end it will be very soon in the making.
Never letting go of an issue
Although often joked about, I find this one to be of sharp contrast to my need to correct issues and move on. I respect that there are issues that cannot be addressed for extended periods, but ill be damned if the majority of the women out there are not convinced their lives are being echoed through Oxygen or Lifetime. The problem that mostly consumes my pool of choke-a-bitch points is mainly that women don’t know how to move on from anything.
- Guy takes girl out
- Girl has great time
- Guy carries girls coat and walks her back to the car, arm in arm
- Guy opens the back door, tosses the coat across the back seat
- Guy closes back door and walks around to his door
- Girl loses her fucking mind because he was supposed to open the door for her
- Guy apologizes profusely
- Girl acknowledges apologies
- Guy forgets because this is insignificant to him
- 9 years later fight breaks out because the guy hadn’t opened a door for her
- Woman is convinced there is a pattern here, even with 9 years between the times of this occurring
- Guy hangs himself and dies unhappy
It may seem a bit absurd looking at this in this context, but I have had fights with women about things I did before I turned 15 or long before I even knew them. It’s absurd and needs to be brought to an end. Being a guy is so much nicer. If I have a problem with something going on, I will simply address the problem. I don’t need to worry about compartmentalizing or building walls, necessarily because my issues are clear and handled. Women don’t have to worry about 30 years from now having us bring something shitty up because the pure unadulterated truth is, we don’t care.