It’s alright, you can fall asleep.
I promise I won’t touch you, much.
Bill Murray – groundhog day
This article has been a long time coming. I have already opened the door into the many things I despise about women, and it’s only fair that I shed some light on the things that give me goose bumps about them. The three things I hate column has its origin in a number of discussions that I have had over the last few months in which I have been trying to become more analytical about the women I find myself drawn to. My first efforts were directed at weeding people out forcibly – I was saying what I can’t stand – now I am going to try to be a little more graceful and get into some of the more positive things.
Although some people consider this a given, I have known quite a few women that are just unable to be happy. I am a comic and find that if my jokes are not well received and responded to I give up on happiness and let go of the idea of staying in the relationship all together. Nothing is worse than having a Gloomy Gus to come home to. I for one enjoy the process of brightening up lives. It is often the smaller things that one can do that brings the most enjoyment, as is evidenced in women’s porn, while men’s porn continues to be so much more complex and drawn out.
I have long had a hypothetical situation that I have shared with my guy friends in which I finally find the woman that makes me realize that she is the one. The way this would occur is quite simple, I would walk into a bar/dance club, take my jacket off and sit down. Across the room a woman would be sitting and I would look up to see her and as soon as I got tired of looking at her tits I would realize that she had a face, only to finally make eye contact and I would instantly have an orgasm. I want to differentiate here between attractiveness, which is something I admittedly take for granted and expect of anyone before I will consider them to be a partner, and sexiness which I will define as their ability to make me think about sex.
I know quite a few women, and all of them have varying levels of sexiness. The female form is amazing to me and leads to an undue amount of weight on my shoulders (not necessarily legs) to deal with. The problem is, as Matt has so eloquently put, “we love women.” I know, I know. That’s a powerful chauvinist position and it’s definitely not addressing one striking fact, but I’ll keep that a secret in able to create some suspense here. The purpose here is to find a woman who is able to seed my mind with thoughts of sex without ever having to say anything.
By far the most amazing thing to me is a woman who is able to think clearly and logically about a topic. Whatever their sexiness may be up to this point, it is exponentially multiplied by their intelligence. I don’t even think I have ever been friends with, let alone the boyfriend of, a woman who I did not consider intelligent. There are, of course, topics of discussion that are more important to me than others – Politics, Religion, Computers/Technology, Philosophy, Comedy, Sex. All are important topics and will of course require a certain amount of understanding on their part as well as mine. Because of how much I value education I find it extremely nice when a woman teaches me something more than I knew the day before.
I hope this has been an acceptable, albeit quite tardy, piece to help the women of the world with their obvious quest to meet and become close to men of my caliber and mental/personality type.