Reading the Bible

Many Christian’s tout the Bible as having some set of supernatural and divinely inspired insight into the core of being a human being. Through it God has channeled our ethics and morals, challenging us to rise above being an animal to become a “good person,” or so I’ve been told. Reading the bible itself is said to be a requirement of religious people, even Muslims have to realize they are derivatives of the Jewish origins and accept the Torah as truth.

So how is it that any argument about the text in the bible always ends in either pointing to context, as some supreme argument dismantler, or in the phrase “his ways are higher than ours”?

Romantic literalists the world around believe absolute nonsense about the origins of the words in the bible, and it is easily evidenced by a cursory glance through YouTube or popular religious television. God wrote these words? Thee god, the one that created everything, didn’t care enough to explain right and wrong to Adam & Eve but still thought it was great to punish them for listening to a snake, in spite of having lied to them? The same god that after 7 days of semi hard work (I guess – he is omnipotent, so he shouldn’t have been very tired after creating everything) had to rest? The same omnipotent beast of a guy (yes he is a guy, and has a penis – allah akbar dude) who had created all of this bullshit but was unable to defeat those with iron chariots?

C’mon! This is clearly bullshit. It is clearly just a story and makes no sense.

This is the same book that argues that God would send 2 bears to massacre some children for making fun of a bald guy. This is the same book that portrays children and women as property of their husbands, that slaves can be married to be forced to stay within their bindings, and that lying on my side and burning bread over human shit is a good way to attack a group of people. THEY ARE NOT LEAVING BECAUSE THEY ARE NECESSARILY SCARED, THEY ARE MORE INTIMIDATED BY THE FACT THAT YOU ARE CLEARLY OUT OF YOUR MIND.

Behind their closed gate doors they are safe, they are just saying to themselves…

Ben: Allah akbar dude, there’s another one of those believers out there.

Steve: Oh man, I thought the sewers backed up again. That fuckin blows.

Ben: Yea it does, guess what else…

Steve: he is burning it?

Ben: Yea man. fuck, that too, but he has already walked around our perfectly well built castle a couple times chanting and went back to his other spot to finish baking his bread over his shit.

Steve: Shit man, this is horrible, can’t the archers get him on his next time around?

Ben: Well, I suppose they could, but they are just freaked out and cant shoot past the clothes pins on their noses.

The truth is, its one of the dumbest things ever brought up as a sieging idea.

All of this is actually in the bible, and while I would love to provide citations if you take the time to look these up you will find 10 more of these stupid things and be far more well off in your future debates.

As a side note, I have been told that citing anything other than the ESV translation of the Bible is a travesty unto itself. This new revision is said to have been retranslated (just as the others) directly from the greek and hebrew texts and contains “no contradictions of any consequence.” Well, to all of you who believe this shit, please keep in mind that the bible is said to be forever relevant and eternally true. If any two versions exist that are not in complete agreement I am not really going to take any of them seriously, but we will see.

Allah akbar, dude.