Funny Story – Llllllllllll!

Yes, those are all Ls, I’ll come back to that at the end, though.

When I was younger I thought It would be fun from time to time to make up a hypothetical situation that would surely never come to pass, but it allowed me to take the time to think up the most effective, correct and or hilarious response to that given situation and laugh about it with a group of friends. “What would you do if…” would be followed with some crazy bullshit that only ever happened to anyone in their dreams, or in a horror film.

One such example: What would you do if someone came into your apartment or home in the middle of the night? Surely some of you are pushing your chins out and flexing your pectorals in some fashion and thinking, well I would shoot that son of a bitch or I’d grab my bat and beat that person senseless, both of which are quite common responses. The only thing is, the middle of the night is commonly sleepy time and let’s mix it up a bit, you have no weapons. You have your wife lying next to you and your dog at the foot of your bed.

What do you do?

I can tell you right now that if I was ever going to be in this situation and found myself paralyzed or otherwise unable to act, I would be completely safe. I know this for a fact, and I know it in my bones, because any guy breaking into a house where I am in bed with my wife is surely going to forget ear plugs and thus, will be deaf from the blood curdling screams pouring out of my wife.

I know this because last night, a Rube Goldberg-esque machine was set up in my apartment and in true RG fashion, nothing important or influential came of it all.

My apartment is adjacent with a breezeway. We are in California, and exceptionally close to the bay so the wind blows through on a pretty frequent basis. To make things fun, the complex doesn’t like to actually seal doors, they like them to be a bit loose, so when the wind rips through the breezeway it makes the door shift. It doesn’t shift enough to fall off or anything, just enough to make it sound like someone is pushing on it and then letting go.

The wind kicked up last night just as we went to bed, and I found myself on guard duty, suggesting rather firmly to my dog that if he doesn’t stop being a jerk and go to sleep that ill sell him to a glue factory, but well he doesn’t like to listen.

Some time around 2 o’clock Magnum barked for the first time. A soft spoken chap, it barely lands in my audible spectrum, but a couple of squirts with a water bottle and a well placed foot settles him down. I close my eyes and am quickly asleep, dreaming of typical things that programmers dream about: why isn’t my parser working; how do I improve UnCodeX2; why haven’t I thought of THAT!

Surely you know what I mean.

Anyways, no sooner do I get to the loading of lines being a hell of a problem in my parser design than the winds shift and my front door makes a rather large and ominous boom sound, scaring my dog, who barks a bunch, causing me to get out of bed quickly which scares my wife out of her oh so beautiful coma of a sleep. What do you think my wife did?

Did she A) jump out of bed, grabbing my glock, and sunglasses, tossing them to me in movie fashion, B) walk sternly over to Magnum to suggest that he examine the physics of the situation, or C) just scream a large number of Ls wildly while pulling the covers up to her nose?

if you can’t guess at this point, my wife chose C, leaving me to walk out and look through the peep hole and explain to her about the physics of the matter while thinking exceptionally deeply about throwing my dog off of a cliff. Yes, my JD holding wifey, covered everything EXCEPT her mind up when a threat was perceived while her nearly under-graduated computer science hubbers stood up and charged into this danger.

Welcome to the big leagues.

I am no longer vacuuming.