If you haven’t raised twins, please keep your opinions to yourself.

An amazing thing occured 20 days ago – My wife let loose the dogs of war on our household, and we have not slept since. My dearest gave birth to twin non-identical girls and in doing so she sold all of our sleep, enjoyment and free time to the devil.

In the interest of full disclosure I must say that that is not entirely true, but if you are a stickler for such subtlety you are also probably the type to splash around in the bathtub with a rubber ducky, and wont take your tighty whiteys off when you do so, you dirty quimper.

We, my wife and I, took part in a class thinking we could pull the Cosby thing off and do this intellectually – because seriously, kids are logical… right? The take away from this class was that kids are gross and they definitely need to be burped a lot. The bad news is that the rest of the information is either not quite applicable for twins or … entirely obvious.

  • Dont hold the baby by the head.
  • Take your time feeding your child, the more they eat the happier they will be.
  • You will want to breast feed as long as possible.

ORLY?

When they came out of the chute we fully intended to apply the rules of one onto both, but where in the shit do we sleep?

The girls are on a 2 hour, offset, schedule. Wake one up, change her diaper, coddle her for a bit and then feeding until she falls asleep, repeat with the second. each of these sessions takes about 40 minutes to complete, assuming the kids are cooperative, which they aren’t  typically. 40 minutes of investment across two children is 80 minutes of downtime and that leads to the bullshit sleeping schedule. We are forced to sleep for fewer than 40 minutes at a time. Add that up over the course of a day and you get a pretty psycho daddy.

We decided that we would break things into shifts, one person would cover the kids screaming, shitting and flailing for about 6 hours and then the other would step in and take them for 6 and then we would rotate again. during that 6 hours the other person could do whatever they wished. It was useful when the girls were good, but we have demon spawn.

Bella has super powers. When she eats she has the power to shoot that substance out of her nose. While Superman or Cyclops don’t get too scared when their faces shoot things, my little Bella hasn’t quite figured out that this is good and will help save her from a mugging someday. Instead she gets intensely frightened and flips her lid. This little megaphone starts screaming and that scream is able to wake anyone and everything within a 12 city block radius.

Lira has super powers. When she eats she has the power to shoot that substance out of her mouth, at amazing speeds and distances, and even has the ability to make those shots curve around obstacles. One night she plowed through about 3oz of formula, smiled coo’ed and burped herself into a coma, and just as i stepped into her room to put her down little Lira shot a full 2.9oz out of her mouth missing my shoulder, arm and the burp cloth, landing a cool half of it in my pocket. Oh by the way daddy, now I’m hungry again, can you feed me?

Jen and I have come to terms with the fact that we don’t have the freedom that a paren’t of a single child has – we have to optimize our time better or we wont sleep or enjoy our lives – show me a parent of multiples and I will show you a person who can very easily regret having their children.

We do not have the ability to pick up our kids immediately when they cry to be held. Why? because we have two babies and only two arms. In light of the above, where we are performing an oil change on one and then the other, it is impossibly important that we don’t freak out trying to please both of them.

We do not have the ability to feed them simultaneously. Why? As above, except that feeding also includes burping, and we haven’t figured out how to burp them at the same time.

There are other rules that we have but they dont actually matter. The above are the two that we are currently working through and trying to solve. In due time they will sleep through the night. In due time they will move out of the house, but not for at least another year.

Maybe when we  are able to piece together some more robotics things will improve.

  • Frances Chatman

    Honey it will get better

    • Bob

      I am sure it will be =)

      Most of my rants and frustrations have been rooted in the fact that there is just not enough time in the day to be able to do what I want to do (Play and Build Video Games) along with taking care of these two, trying to please the wife and spending a full day at work. I recognize that the typical “burning the candle at both ends” type comments are going to be coming, and something will have to give, but unfortunately if i give up the one thing in the above that is able to be given away I will find myself much less happy and much more frustrated.

      There is only so much a person can do to raise two screaming demons for kids, I only hope that when things get better it doesn’t include me needing a straight jacket and smiling all of the time.

  • I’ve been reading about your twin-rearing adventures on the inter webs. Whoa! Even one kid sounds like a lot to me.

    Hmmm… Totally not speaking from experience (besides hearing stories from others), but sounds like you might have to cut out one of the “want to do’s” temporarily. I know several folks who pretty much gave up on playing video games, or stuck with relatively casual games you can play in 5-30 minute chunks, until their kids grew up enough that they could play them together and/or require less constant care.

    I suspect that the people who claim to love taking care of children the most are the ones who don’t have all that many wants or ambitions besides raising them. Possibly they also have: 1) easily accessible family members to help take care of kids when they are working / socializing, or 2) a stay-at-home spouse (or ARE the stay-at-home spouse).