I really can’t figure it out

I really can’t figure it out. I am sitting no more than three feet from you, and I really can’t put a finger on it but I am more nervous right now, than I can remember ever being. You purposely put your head back to force some contact between us, but again I’m afraid. Your steady eyes make it very easy to drift off, clear from the laziness that I’m feeling now. So close to you; so far; so good.

A soft scent drifts my way, definitely too nice for it to have come from me. Again with the eyes, piercing deep into me; It’s so odd to be in this situation, not sure if It’s a good thing or not. I think It’s clear that we mesh, that is not even up for debate. The problems come into play when you start speaking my mind. Only so much of that goes so far, and then it becomes really fucking weird. You may feel your heart beat beneath that bandage, but I can feel it in my bones.

“Do you want something to eat? Are you hungry?” Oh shit, I had totally drifted the fuck away. Am I hungry? Query the database; Response properly formed; parsing… uhm… oh shit, almost forgot to pass it to the verbal stream… “uhm, yes. Yes please, that would be perfect.” Have we really been doing this? Years ago I probably would have flipped a switch and jumped all over you. Again with this close proximity. Three feet, air, a blanket, and that fucking smile. I had never noticed it in class. Maybe you don’t like that math stuff. What I wouldn’t like to do right now. A million things roll through my mind as I watch you rise to your feet and begin walking to the kitchen.

Say something…
What? What the fuck do you want me to say?
Stop talking to me you piece of shit; tell her about your hair fetish.
God damn it! no. She’ll think I’m a fruitcake. What good will telling her my fetishes do?
Fuck you, she already knows you like her, stop dickin’ around with it and start opening doors. As long as you are open you will never go wrong. If she doesn’t like your advances She’ll tell you.

Back you come, to watch this stupid movie, yes its fun; no its not. I should have thought about the movies contents. How fucking lame is it to meet a girl and watch a fuckin movie with tits and ass all over it? What does that say about me? God I am just being paranoid. I really need to get over myself…

“Are you alright?” I must look like a mess, I may as well have a straight jacket on for all this craziness going on in my mind. “Top notch,” god another fucking bullshit response, that’ll show her some class, im sure she doesn’t hear this kind of shit every day, but I may as well push my vocabulary up a bit if I am seriously interested in this woman.

Joke time! “You know, you are lucky that I’m not gay, otherwise I would have been offended.” That’ll get her to smile… “You wouldn’t have come over here if you were gay.” Damn it all to hell. How the fuck is she wittier than I am! Fuck. I am definitely not at the top of my game today…

… ex boyfriend… … ex boyfriend… well uhm, I think she has some feelings still for this guy, she has mentioned him four times in the last half hour, and I am pretty sure you didn’t ask anything about it directly. She is nervous.
She likes you, dumb ass! What did you think?
Well fuck dude, how the hell was I supposed to suck that out of her head?
Look, shut up and let her talk. She wants you to know that she has a sore heart, so don’t get fucking crazy. Let her vent for a while, what harm can it do?
Fucking none, Peace.

Hmm, that fucking smile again, I think I said something funny. Was it absurd? God I feel like I’m sixteen. “Wow really? That’s kind of cool.” Tell me about it. It really doesn’t matter what you feel like saying because I was hooked at the fact that you were watching for me to arrive. I should have fucking grabbed you then, but I guess that would just be weird.

You are just too fucking cute. That laugh of yours, and how you say something sly after it, too fucking much. I’ll go into standup if you would just laugh. I feel like I’m being interviewed for a job that I never knew I was qualified for, answering the questions with little issue. I feel well comfortable in your presence, oddly so. “You can change it, please do!” I must have said it fifty ways. There was no way that I would have cared one way or another, as long as you were enjoying it.

I shouldn’t have mentioned the love debacle. Should have held off on that because now there is no way that I’ll be able to test and make sure It’s real. Yes its fucking weird, but this is already going differently than the previous ones. She may not have made the advance, but she is definitely playing her part in this… this… whatever the hell this is. It’s cute, I’ll give that to her. So odd that she is as weird as I am, and totally nervous, and probably thinking the same shit and wanting the same shit. A hug, man, that’s all it takes. Just let your arm slide down around her shoulders and apply some gentle pressure and she will scoot her ass all the way over next to yours. Oh got her hair is on your hand, don’t be a fag, just fucking touch it. Let it lie across your hand, enjoy it. Close your eyes and imagine how it will feel in the morning. Think about pulling on it and shit fool, brushing it. Those curly/wavy mother fuckers are all yours for the taking, she has literally handed them to you.

You should kiss her.
What? No fucking way; this is not even a date and I’m already sprung; It’s not going to do anything good if we know how nice our lips feel, or worse tongue.
You should kiss her.

I should just leave; we are supposed to see each other tomorrow. The sooner I’m in bed the sooner ill wake up and be able to do this again.
You mean the sooner you will be able to… be nervous and not do anything except ponder over the most amazing ideas that you know you should act on? Be irritable about the fact that you are unable to act on these feelings and urges you are having?

I am just going to get in my car. Fuck this, don’t talk to me any more tonight dude.

“Well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,”
God that smile.
Nice isn’t it?
Shut the fuck up.
“Ill help you out, just gimme a call…”
… and ill give you a kiss.
Fuck you!
“Good night,”
“Good night.”

Loser! You could have had so much nicer a night, All you had to do is stop fighting yourself.
Yea, I know. But I’m glad I did this, now I know I am not as full of myself as I had thought. I know I have limits and I’m sure she does too.